Quintessential
by iyoku-ishi
Summary: In the world of Naruto fanfiction, SasuSaku high school fanfictions are quite common. And when they're common, what are the ninja of Konohana to do? Why, make a list of common things in high school SasuSaku fanfictions of course! They're just that epic.
1. The Beginning

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Yup, I'm starting a new fanfiction even though I already have one going. Well, this one will be a short fanfiction. It's meant to be humor, so please don't be offended by anything written here, although I may insert myself as an OC with my own opinions.

Note: Bit&h will be replaced with biatch since I don't want to type out the word. Don't ask why. I'm just like that.

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**Q u i n t e s s e n t i a l **

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Chapter 1 - _The Beginning. Yes, the Great, Ultimate, Cool Beginning of it All_

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'_His hands slid down her smooth, creamy skin, and brushed her sweet, cherry locks. His lips touched her soft hair, and he nibbled at it. "Sakura," he murmured in his deep, throaty voice._

"_Sasuke-kun," she whispered softly, gazing up at him with her wide, emerald eyes. Her lips were parted slightly, and she wrapped her arms around him, leaning against his chest. He leaned forwards, against her, and…'_

"So, can anyone tell me exactly why we are reading this?" Neji asked in an annoyed voice.

He, Tenten, Hinata, Naruto, Ino, Shikamaru, and Kiba were seated in a circle around a laptop in Ino's room. On the floor. The laptop currently displayed a "lemon" Sasuke and Sakura fanfiction.

No one knew where the laptop came from, or why it was there. It had just appeared one day, in a poof of smoke, loaded to the brim with Sasuke and Sakura fanfictions. And they weren't just any ordinary fanfictions either.

They were the frightening, the interesting, the curious, the appealing, the corny, the unoriginal _high school_ Sasuke and Sakura fanfictions.

Only. High school. Sasuke and Sakura. Fanfictions.

Yes. Teenagers in a school walking from class to class. And everything else.

Of course, who could resist such an object? The mere idea of Sasuke and Sakura high school fanfictions were wonderful! Everyone read story after story of Sasuke and Sakura's fiction romance.

Or at least, certain people did. Others just read one and quit. Like Neji. And Shikamaru.

It was also safe to say that neither Sasuke or Sakura had any idea of the laptop's existence. Or the existence of the stories, for that matter.

All was right in the world.

Okay, maybe not.

After reading fanfiction after fanfiction, Ino decided that all the fanfictions had too much in common. It was as though they were all from the same SasuSaku - as the pairing was dubbed- mafia! A _gang_ of SasuSaku worshippers whose main goal in life was write millions of high school SasuSaku fanfictions!

ATTACK OF THE SASUSAKU MANIACS!

Alright, ignore the above statement that is very capitalized.

So, Ino had a brilliant idea. And the idea was…

Drum roll, people.

Dun dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuun!

A LIST.

Yes, a list. A list of all the things that the SasuSaku fanfictions had in common! Wonderful idea, right?

Anyways, Ino had dragged all the shinobi that had read at least one of the fanfictions to her room to form the list-making committee. Of course, she disregarded the fact that some of the people, or half of the people present didn't even want to be there.

So, back to the present. With an annoyed Neji.

Neji glared at everyone around him, demanding an answer silently.

"Well…" Ino began hesitantly at Neji's Glare of Death ™. "After reading so many high school SasuSaku fanfictions, I wanted to make a list of all the things they had in common! Because there are soooooo many things they have in common. They're all like part of a gang or something." No one questioned exactly why Ino thought that they were all part of a gang. But moving on. "So, that's why you guys are all here!" She smiled widely in hopes of bringing up the mood.

Silence.

A bird chirped somewhere in the distance.

"…troublesome," Shikamaru sighed, leaning against the side of Ino's bed. Ino smacked him around the head.

"_So_!" The blonde magically whipped out a piece of paper and a pencil. "Let's begin! Who has noticed anything really similar in nearly all of them?" Five hands went up into the air. Ino pointed at Naruto. "You! Tell us one."

"Well," Naruto began. "First of all, while slurping my delicious pork ramen - you guys should really try it, it's so good! All the wonderfully-smelling steam, the bubbling soup, the soft, juicy noodles, and great flavor-"

"-Naruto, shut up about ramen and tell us a similarity between all the fanfictions," Ino interrupted, looking annoyed at Naruto's random ramen fantasy.

"Sorry," Naruto whined. "But the ramen's really good! Anyways, so while I was savoring the tasty-"

"NARUTO!" Ino screeched. Kiba winced at the noise.

"Okay, okay! Sasuke-bastard seems really rich and famous in all of them."

"…you've read all the fanfictions in the computer?" Tenten asked Naruto, raising an eyebrow.

"Nope!" Naruto replied happily. "But I've read most of them!" There was another silence. Naruto blinked. "What?"

"You don't find that reading about your own teammates kissing and stuff weird…?" Tenten asked, staring at the noisy blonde.

"Um…" Naruto scratched his head and laughed nervously. "Well, the ramen makes it less weird."

Everyone jumped up and screamed, waving their arms wildly like a bunch of baboons and crashing into each other in horror at the mention of ramen. They shrieked in fear and jumped out of the window, to their untimely deaths. Naruto merely stared around the empty room, wondering why everyone had went "ZONG LYK NO3Z R/\M3N111111".

Okay, not really.

No one chose to comment on the ramen comment. Yes, no commenting on the ramen comment! Ramen comment, get it? Get it? Yeah, I'll just continue with the actual story now.

"Alright," Ino said, preparing to scribble on her piece of paper. "Oh yeah! We need a title for the list!"

"Okay!" Kiba perked up. "Let's called it The Cool Ultimately Great Long List of SasuSaku Similarities in All High School SasuSaku Fanfictions Which Has a Really Long Title Because I'm Just Cool Like That!"

Silence.

"Yeah, let's just change the 'I'm just cool like that' part to 'it's just cool like that'," Ino decided, writing down the unnecessarily long title.

**The Cool Ultimately Great Long List of SasuSaku Similarities in All High School SasuSaku Fanfictions Which Has a Really Long Title Because It's Just Cool Like That:**

**1) Sasuke is always, always, always rich and famous. Always.**

"I think that Sakura always tends to be displayed as unpopular or something like that," Tenten commented, thinking about the fanfictions she read in the past week.

"Yeah!" Naruto agreed. "What's up with that? Sakura's so cool!"

**The Cool Ultimately Great Long List of SasuSaku Similarities in All High School SasuSaku Fanfictions Which Has a Really Long Title Because It's Just Cool Like That:**

**1) Sasuke is always, always, always rich and famous. Always.**

**2) Sakura is either a nerd, unpopular, new, a loner, or all.**

**3) Sasuke always has a huge fan club. Huge. Huge. Yes, huge.**

"He does…" Shikamaru yawned. "At least, he did in that one fanfiction Ino forced me to read."

"That's because Sasuke's sooo cool and popular," Ino sang happily. "The list is starting well so far! More ideas! More! MORE!" Everyone except Neji winced at Ino's loud exclamation.

"U-um…" Hinata spoke up for the first time, since she had entered the room (aka. was dragged by Ino forcibly). "W-well, I t-t-t-think that t-the fan c-c-clubs a-are always filled with r-r-really…u-um…."

"Really slutty, biatchy girls?" Tenten filled in. Hinata nodded. "Yeah, that's true! The leaders of the clubs are especially evil!"

"And there's always one really slutty, biachy, evil antagonist! A girl who tries to steal Sasuke from Sakura, and antagonizes Sakura in some way!" Kiba added.

"Okay, those are all good," Ino praised, writing them down on to the list.

**The Cool Ultimately Great Long List of SasuSaku Similarities in All High School SasuSaku Fanfictions Which Has a Really Long Title Because It's Just Cool Like That:**

**1) Sasuke is always, always, always rich and famous. Always.**

**2) Sakura is either a nerd, unpopular, new, a loner, or all.**

**3) Sasuke always has a huge fan club. Huge. Huge. Yes, huge.**

**4) The fan clubs always contain slutty, biatchy girls. The leaders are especially evil.**

**5) There is always one really slutty, biatchy, evil antagonist: a girl who tries to steal Sasuke from Sakura, and/or antagonizes Sakura in some way. How evil, get a life!**

"Come on Neji, give us one," Tenten urged, nudging Neji in the ribs. Neji turned his ice-cold glare onto her. She glared right back.

"…Sasuke starts out hating Sakura in that one you forced me to read," Neji said cooly.

"Yeah! He usually starts out hating her or something," Naruto said sadly. "Why? Sakura's so cool! So cool!"

"Mmhmm…" Ino scribbled down the new idea. "More?"

"Ino, you're always in the fanfictions, as Sakura's best friend or worst enemy," Kiba told the girl, grinning. "I wonder why. Oh, you're also a worst-enemy-turned-best-friend in some of them."

Ino gave Kiba a look. "Okay. Yeah, I wonder why. Who do they think I am? Geez, of course I'm Sakura's best friend. Why would I even want to be her worst enemy? It's so unfair I think it's not right what are all those idiots thinking of course I'd be the best prettiest most awesome girl ever that would be Sakura's best friend because I'm Ino and Ino is always cool so everyone likes her so why would I be Sakura's worst enemy I don't even know where they got that idea it's so lame geez what in the world-"

No, Ino does not speak in run-on sentences and bad grammar. Restart.

Ino gave Kiba a look. "Okay. Yeah, I wonder why. Who do they think I am? Geez, of course I'm Sakura's best friend. Why would I even want to be her worst enemy? I don't know where they got that idea." She added it to the list.

**The Cool Ultimately Great Long List of SasuSaku Similarities in All High School SasuSaku Fanfictions Which Has a Really Long Title Because It's Just Cool Like That:**

**1) Sasuke is always, always, always rich and famous. Always.**

**2) Sakura is either a nerd, unpopular, new, a loner, or all.**

**3) Sasuke always has a huge fan club. Huge. Huge. Yes, huge.**

**4) The fan clubs always contain slutty, biatchy girls. The leaders are especially evil.**

**5) There is always one really slutty, biatchy, evil antagonist: a girl who tries to steal Sasuke from Sakura, and/or antagonizes Sakura in some way. How evil, get a life!**

**6) Sasuke usually starts out hating Sakura.**

**7) Ino is always present, either as Sakura's best friend, worst enemy, or worst-enemy-turned-best-friend.**

**8) NaruHina is always present. Always. Always. Forever and more.**

"What?" Naruto and Hinata both exclaimed after reading the eighth point. Naruto looked at Hinata, and the latter turned tomato red.

"U-um…" Hinata looked immensely embarrassed. "I-Ino…"

"It's true and you both know it," Ino sang, smiling at both ninja. "Hm, Naruto's always Sasuke's best friend, too. Always. Weird how these things occur in every fanfiction."

"ME, Sasuke-bastard's best friend?!" Naruto exclaimed with rage. "Of course I am, heheh." A sunny smile lit up his face. "YAAAAAAAAAY!"

"Uh…" Everyone decided not to comment on Naruto's random happy comment on being Sasuke's best friend like the comment he had about the comment about the ramen comment of the comment…

Yeah, never mind.

"I think that SasuSaku fanfictions always end happily! They're like, _never_ sad. They are never, _ever_ angst. Sure, they may have angst, but they never end angsty! Like, neither Sakura or Sasuke die or something!" Tenten exclaimed, a vein popping in her forehead for some strange unfathomable reason that no one could understand. "I think they should die in one of them! Die! Die! Die!"

Silence.

Somewhere in the distance, a frog croaked.

"Yeah, um, okay…" Ino said cautiously, writing down Tenten's point. "Um…anything else?" '_Not as crazy_,' the blonde added in her head.

"In the one I read, there was the typical thing where Sakura sees a girl forcing herself onto Sasuke and thinks that Sasuke's cheating on her, doesn't like her, whatever…troublesome stuff," Shikamaru added dully, still feeling bored.

**The Cool Ultimately Great Long List of SasuSaku Similarities in All High School SasuSaku Fanfictions Which Has a Really Long Title Because It's Just Cool Like That:**

**1) Sasuke is always, always, always rich and famous. Always.**

**2) Sakura is either a nerd, unpopular, new, a loner, or all.**

**3) Sasuke always has a huge fan club. Huge. Huge. Yes, huge.**

**4) The fan clubs always contain slutty, biatchy girls. The leaders are especially evil.**

**5) There is always one really slutty, biatchy, evil antagonist: a girl who tries to steal Sasuke from Sakura, and/or antagonizes Sakura in some way. How evil, get a life!**

**6) Sasuke usually starts out hating Sakura.**

**7) Ino is always present, either as Sakura's best friend, worst enemy, or worst-enemy-turned-best-friend.**

**8) NaruHina is always present. Always. Always. Forever and more.**

**9) SasuSaku fanfictions always end happily. They are never rated as angst, or end with one of the two/both dying.**

**10) The typical "Sakura sees some girl forcing herself onto Sasuke but thinks that Sasuke's really cheating on her/whatever" thing happens. A lot.**

"Great list, great list!" Ino chirped happily, waving her pencil around and accidentally hitting Kiba on the nose.

"OW, woman, watch where you're waving that thing!" Kiba exclaimed angrily, rubbing his sore nose.

"Sorry," Ino apologized, and continued waving around her pencil (but nowhere near Kiba). "Anyways, I think that-" The blonde was interrupted by a knock on the door. Ino sighed and rolled her eyes. "What is it, mom?"

"Um…Ino? It's Sakura," came Sakura's voice from the other side of the closed door. Nearly everyone in the room froze. Ino gasped and quickly hid her list. "Um, hang on a minute Sakura!" She looked around at everyone frantically. "What do we do?" she mouthed. Naruto stared at Ino.

"What?" he said loudly. Kiba quickly silenced him by leaping onto him. He and Naruto silently wrestled on the ground while Sakura spoke again from the other side of the door.

"Naruto? Is that you? What's Naruto doing in your room, Ino?"

"Um, that wasn't Naruto," Ino called back, looking desperate. "That-that was me trying to sound like Naruto!"

"…okay," came Sakura's voice. "Anyways, are you done yet? Can I come in?" The doorknob began to turn.

"NO!" Ino screamed wildly, like a mad woman. She trampled down the door and killed Sakura with one wild sweep of her random kunai that had magically appeared out of thin air then proceeded to slaughter everyone in a mad rampage of death until the whole room was stained with cotton because you see the people weren't actually real people they were actually stuffed dummies that were full of cotton so in reality Ino hadn't actually killed anyone she had only mutilated life-sized dolls but Ino didn't know that because she was on her crazed red-eyed insane mad rampage then proceeded to kill the whole village of Konohana then every other village within a 1000000000 mile radius of Konohana and when she had torn up every stuffed doll in sight she stood on a cliff and laughed madly then tripped and fell off the cliff to her death but woke up and found out that it had all been a dream. A dream, you hear? A DREAM!

At least, that's what you wish had happened. But you're wrong, ha. This is what happened:

"NO!" Ino shrieked. "Uh, I mean, no, I'm not done yet! Don't come in!"

"Are you dressing or something?" Sakura asked, sounding impatient.

"Um, yeah!" Ino said. "So, uh, you can't come in now." She glared at everyone else in the room. "Hide!" she whispered angrily. Everyone looked at each other, then performed a jutsu that blended them into the scenery.

"Ino, did you say something?" came Sakura's voice. "Hurry up please."

"No, I didn't!" Ino called, and was about to grab the laptop when it started floating and moving by itself. "OMG!" Ino screamed, terrified, and killed herself.

No.

"No I didn't!" Ino called, and was about to grab the laptop when it started floating and moving by itself. At first, Ino simply stared at the computer, watching it hide itself behind her bookshelf, when she realized that one of the seven invisible people had moved it. The girl looked around to make sure everything was neat and tidy, then sat down on her bed, accidentally bumping into an invisible knee. She glared in the direction of the invisible person.

"Sorry," came Tenten's voice softly so that only Ino could hear her.

"Um, you can come in now!" Ino yelled at her door. She watched the door open in slow motion. Then, what came into her room shocked her to the core. It couldn't be. Not _that_. Not…not…_her worst nightmare_!

It was Barney.

Heehee, that would be funny.

"Um, you can come in now!" Ino yelled at her door. She watched the door open in slow motion, and was shocked by the first person that came in. She stared at the person for a minute…then…

"Oh yeah, Sasuke's here too," Sakura said as she came into the room, smiling and patting Sasuke on the shoulder.

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No, that's not the end of the story or the list. Just to clear things up, I really adore SasuSaku high school fanfictions, even if they're as corny as some high school romance stories are. So, kudos to them.

**Review** please. I accept constructive criticism, but not flames. So don't flame. Not unless you'd like to be haunted in your sleep by the Grim Reaper's scythe, anyway.


	2. Revelation Time

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Dang, haven't updated in forever. Well, let's just say I went out of the Naruto crazedom. And now, I'm not exactly back in, but I've been reading Naruto fanfictions. The manga is getting a little boring, in my opinion.

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**Q u i n t e s s e n t i a l **

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Chapter 2 - _Is it REVELATION TIME?_

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"WHAT?" Ino screamed, as Sasuke stood there like a stick. I mean, a tree. Like the old oak trees in peoples' backyards, except Sasuke's not old. Or is he? Dun dun dun duuuuuuun. Anyways.

"…" Sasuke stared at Ino, an eyebrow raised slightly, not understanding why she had to scream so loudly. Or why she had to scream, period.

"Um, Ino, is something the matter?" Sakura asked, looking at Ino with a weird expression as well. "Why is Sasuke's arrival suddenly a matter of great doom that will befall us all?" Alright, since Sakura doesn't speak like that, she said this, not that: "Why is Sasuke's arrival so shocking…? Didn't you invite him to your party as well?"

Ino stared dumbly at Sakura for a moment, not understanding. "Huh? Party? Wut?" Ino asked, extremely confused. "I invited you guys to a party?"

"Yes…" Sakura replied slowly, whipping out an invitation card from the middle of nowhere, since she had no pockets nor a bag. The pink-haired ninja waved the card in front of her friend's face. The latter snatched it from Sakura and read it.

_Welcome, O Dearest Guest of Mine!_

_I mean, Dear Guest,_

_I have invited you all to a grand party at my place, where we will have TONS of fun and festivities and battles and ramen and fun and party favors and fun and nail polish and did I mention fun? Well, disregarding the previous run-on-sentence, I would like you to come to my house! You should all know where I live, so don't make me write where I live. If you don't know, well, you snooze, you lose. Ha ha._

_- Sincerely (not), Ino._

"Huh," Ino said, snapping her fingers. "I remember now! I asked Lee who asked Gai to write invitation cards for me! Except, he didn't need to make the words sound so…uh…whatever." Ino nodded and smiled widely. "Welcome, Sakura, Sasuke! I conveniently forgot that I had a party today, so you guys have NOTHING to do here! But you can stay anyway…we can paint our nails!" Ino giggled.

"…" Sasuke said, not looking very thrilled.

"Well, I guess we'll come in," Sakura said happily, stepping into the room and pulling Sasuke along with her.

"NO!" Ino screamed, waving at Sakura frantically. "Uh, you can't go there!" She pointed at the empty space in front of Sakura. The ninja blinked.

"…why?" she asked, looking totally confused so that her eyes became little swirlies like the kind you find on Naruto which doesn't mean Naruto the ninja but actually Naruto the fish cakes that you can find udon which are thick Japanese noodles in soup. Oh noes, not a run-on sentence! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"U-um, because there are nails sticking out from the carpet! Yeah!" Ino exclaimed, randomly finding a horrible excuse.

"Okay…" Sakura proceeded to step to her right, but she had not even placed her foot down before Ino screamed like a maniac again.

"There's a nail there too!" the blonde ninja said, gasping. "And there!" She pointed to Sakura's left.

"…Ino, where am I supposed to go then?" Sakura asked, feeling a little annoyed. Just then, Sasuke stepped out from behind her.

"This is annoying," he said in an annoyed voice, and walked over to Sakura's left…then stopped abruptly as he bumped into something invisible that said "Ouch!". "…what?" Sasuke stared at the space in front of him suspiciously. He randomly jabbed a finger at it, and another "ouch!" came from nowhere. "Ino, are there invisible people in your room?" Sasuke asked, looking around at Ino.

"U-um, no!" Ino said, wringing her hands. "I just placed invisible barriers in my room so that I can hone my ninja skills! Yeah!" The ninja's voice was not very convincing.

"Hmm." Sakura frowned and randomly kicked to her right.

"OWWWW!" a voice howled, sounding suspiciously like Naruto.

"Naruto?" Sakura asked, looking curiously at the space. There was a poof, and Naruto appeared.

"H-hi Sakura-chan!" the blonde said happily while rubbing his cheek.

"Naruto, you weren't supposed to dispel your invisibility jutsu!" Ino snapped, going into an enraged craze that involved her pulling out a kunai out of the middle of the air and dispelling everyone's invisibility jutsu to kill them one by one then proceed around Konohana killing every single unfortunate being that ever lived then running to the top of the cliff and laughing maniacally as clouds of cotton floated around her because once again all the people of Konohana were actually not people at all but just cotton dolls so Ino had not actually killed anyone then the ninja laughed crazily and jumped off the cliff to land on the ground but not die because she was actually a cotton doll herself but how could cotton dolls kill OTHER cotton dolls and how can cotton dolls move at all?

"Sorry Ino!" Naruto apologized, looking sheepish. "It just really hurt when Sakura kicked me, and I didn't want her to do it again. Besides, the pig was already out of the oven."

"I think it's ' the cat's out of the bag' Naruto," Tenten said, appearing as well. Which triggered the other ninjas to all appear one by one.

"…" Sakura stared at everyone in shock. "Um…wow…I didn't know we were that late…"

Sasuke looked extremely offended by the presence of every other ninja that was in their age range. As well as Neji and Tenten. "I am _never_ late," he said, sounding rather angry.

"Of course you aren't!" Ino amended, looking nervously around to make sure that the laptop was nowhere in sight. "We were just hiding to surprise you guys! SURPRISE!"

"SURPRISE!" everyone else shouted lamely. Well, said monotonously said, in some cases.

"Oh yeah, where's Lee?" Tenten asked, looking around the room and not seeing any green.

"I'M HEEEEEEEEEEEERE!" There was a CRASH!, BANG!, and THUMP! as Lee swung through Ino's window like a jungle man, shattering it to a million pieces, WHICH KILLED EVERYBODY! Or not.

"…LEE!" Ino screeched, pointing at her window and littered floor. Said ninja blinked at the mess he made, then apologized profusely.

"I am sorry Ino! I did not mean to make such a mess! Since I have shamed myself so and caused you much trouble, I will do five hundred push ups after this party! And if I cannot finish those, then I will do one thousand punches to a tree! If I cannot do that, then I will do FIVE THOUSAND LAPS AROUND THE TOWN!"

"Or someone can just use Fix Window no Jutsu," Sakura added, rolling her eyes.

"I-I'll d-do it!" Hinata stuttered, making the hand motions. "F-Fix Window n-no Jutsu!" The window pieces magically flew up and reassembled themselves in the space where Ino's window had been, leaving the window as good as new.

"What a useful jutsu to learn," Chouji commented, nodding. "Too bad we can't have jutsu that conjure food!"

"We're ninjas Chouji, not magicians," Shikamaru said lazily to Chouji as he lay down on Ino's bed.

"Yeah, but I was reading this book called Hairy Otter the other day-" Chouji began, to be cut off by Shikamaru.

"It's called Harry Potter, and it's entirely fictional."

"Oh," was all Chouji could say, sitting there like a fool. A fool dumpling. Because he looked like a dumpling. Not a pot sticker silly; Chouji doesn't stick to pots.

"Anyways…" Sakura said, sitting down on the ground next to Ino. "So, uh, what are we going to do now?"

"Well, we were reading fanfictions that involved S-" Naruto began eagerly, but was slapped on the head by Kiba.

"Don't tell her, dumb-butt," he growled to Naruto. Akamaru barked.

"Huh? S?" Sakura asked, blinking.

"Uh, uh, school!" Naruto finished lamely. Sasuke snorted. "Hey, you got anything better to read, bastard?!" Naruto yelled at Sasuke.

"Tch," was all Sasuke said, as though he was too cool to answer Naruto's question. "Hm. What's this?" He peered at the gap between Ino's bed and the floor, then pulled out…dun dun dun…THE SASUSAKU HIGHSCHOOL FANFICTIONS LAPTOP! THE HORROR!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" everyone screamed, punching themselves in the faces and pulling out their hair before going to stomp Sasuke and the laptop flat so that Sasuke and the laptop became Sasuke and laptop pancakes while Sakura cried over the pancakes.

…nah.

"GASP!" everyone gasped, as Sasuke placed the laptop on his…LAP! and flipped up the screen.

"…" His brow furrowed as he read whatever was on the screen. He glanced over at Sakura, his pale skin turning slightly colored, then pushed the laptop away from him. "What…what is this?" he asked, sounding rather perturbed. Tenten grabbed the laptop and everyone else, including Sakura, scrambled to read the contents that were currently on the screen.

"_Oh, Sasuke-kun!" Sakura cried, running up to him and grabbing his arm. "Don't go…I was only flirting with Lee to get you jealous." The girl lowered her eyes and bit her lip. "I actually really want to go with you to the dance, but I thought you were going to go with Ino instead, because I saw you two talking and she looked really happy afterwards."_

"_Hn," Sasuke replied, patting Sakura's head awkwardly. "Why would I want to go with anyone else, stupid?" Sakura blushed and hugged Sasuke happily._

"_Sorry, Sasuke-kun. You always seem so aloof and uncaring all the time, so…so I was uncertain." Sakura suddenly felt her chin forced upwards so that her emerald eyes were staring in Sasuke's onyx ones. The male bent towards the girl slowly, their lips getting closer and closer…until…_

"WHAT?" Sakura screeched, jumping backwards so that she toppled onto Neji, who quickly pushed her off him, looking disgusted. "What the _hell_ is this?" The female was furious, although her face was rather red from embarrassment. "D-do you guys write stories about Sasuke and I…?"

"No way!" Kiba answered, making a face. "We have lives, thanks." Akamaru barked his agreement, then made a choking noise and swished his tail towards the laptop while crossing his eyes as well as dogs could.

"Well, Sakura-chan, I wish that people would write stories about _us_!" Naruto said wistfully to Sakura while eating ramen from a cup that he had mysteriously obtained. Now, we could go on to talk about how Naruto was going to make a comment about his ramen, but then we wouldn't want to start talking about Naruto making comments about his ramen comment if it ever existed. You know what would be more confusing? If Naruto made a comment about his ramen comment that was related to another ramen comment that was a ramen comment about a ramen comment which was about another ramen comment which was about everyone eating ramen while commenting on comments. Yeah, totally confusing, I know.

"And you said we aren't magicians who can conjure food?" Chouji asked Shikamaru, eyes wide.

"They're actually wizards, Chouji, and no," Shikamaru sighed.

"Well, Sasuke," Ino said seriously as stared at Sasuke, who's face was rather pale. "This laptop just appeared in the middle of nowhere one day like BANG! and then we were all like WUT?! so we started reading all the stuff on the laptop, and they were all fanfictions that are about you and Sakura! What's more, about _romantic relationships _between-"

Poor Ino never got another further because, at that moment, Sasuke blew up. Literally. Like a pot kettle, except a lot more explosive. His eyes became all red with little black dots, like, you know, his like family's like eye technique thing like whatever it's called like…uh, anyways, and then proceeded to kill everyone by copying their moves, but since this time, these people were BUGS and not cotton dolls, all he succeeded in doing was just lessening the world's bug population by 0.000000000001%!

Which greatly offended Shino BTW, LOL! Okay, maybe that wasn't funny.

Now wasn't that so much more un-dramatic than Ino's doll-killing spree that we all know and love? Aren't run-on sentences just so darling?

Continuing with the story…poor Ino never got any further because she was rudely interrupted by Sasuke.

"Stop. I…don't want to hear anymore."

Sakura cocked her head to one side, blinked, then pulled the laptop towards her and began exploring its contents. "Hmm…wow…this is really…uh…unbelievable. Well, let's see…here, Sasuke and I are kissing…and here, making out…and here, hugging…and here, going into a room and having - oh wait, ew, never mind…" The girl shuddered and pushed the computer away from her as quickly as she had grabbed it.

"Sakura-chan, as much as I want _us_ to be together, that fanficcything that had you and Sasuke doing stuff in the Hokage's office at night was really well-written!" Naruto chirped, waving his chopsticks around excitedly. There was a silence.

"Let's pretend that Naruto did NOT say that," Kiba said, looking utterly disgusted. Sakura looked completely mortified, while Sasuke chose to keep silent, although he was burning with embarrassment and anger on the inside.

"Hey, don't ignore me!" Hinata spoke up angrily. "Yes, I'm not stuttering anymore because I am oh so mad at you guys for all ignoring me! Don't give me all that bs, you mothereffer! Ya, I'm swearing now, damn it! You think you can all ignore me and I'll take it like some little goody two shoes? Well, you got that wrong, a-holes! Ya, I'm gonna be talkin' lyk derz no shiz tmro yo dng chtspk lulz wl u dun gt dat rite so suk u dog11111oneone11111!!!!1111two".

_The previous paragraph was omitted from your minds so that the non-existent sanity of this story can remain intact._

"U-um," Hinata spoke up, her face as red as a tomato (no, that did not get Sasuke's mouth watering, you dirty dirty people. No matter how much her face may _look_ like a tomato, Sasuke won't eat her!). "I-I think t-that t-t-this is a v-very embarrassing t-topic f-for Sakura and S-Sasuke…"

"Thank you for stating the obvious, Hinata-san," Neji said dryly, although it probably would've been wiser for him to keep silent because everybody randomly realized that he was still there.

"Well, if Sasuke and Sakura already know all this stuff, I guess we should show them our list!" Ino said cheerfully as though the situation was perfectly normal. She whipped out the list from the middle of nowhere (yeah, there seems to be a lot of whipping out from the middle of nowhere…they must have a secret invisible bookcase in the room) and waved it in front of Sakura's face. Sakura took the list tentatively and looked at it. And now, the list must be listed again because this story is about the list, and we can't have the list NOT be listed out in a chapter, can we?

**The Cool Ultimately Great Long List of SasuSaku Similarities in All High School SasuSaku Fanfictions Which Has a Really Long Title Because It****'****s Just Cool Like That:**

**1) Sasuke is always, always, always rich and famous. Always.**

**2) Sakura is either a nerd, unpopular, new, a loner, or all.**

**3) Sasuke always has a huge fan club. Huge. Huge. Yes, huge.**

**4) The fan clubs always contain slutty, biatchy girls. The leaders are especially evil.**

**5) There is always one really slutty, biatchy, evil antagonist: a girl who tries to steal Sasuke from Sakura, and/or antagonizes Sakura in some way. How evil, get a life!**

**6) Sasuke usually starts out hating Sakura.**

**7) Ino is always present, either as Sakura****'****s best friend, worst enemy, or worst-enemy-turned-best-friend.**

**8) NaruHina is always present. Always. Always. Forever and more.**

**9) SasuSaku fanfictions always end happily. They are never rated as angst, or end with one of the two/both dying.**

**10) The typical ****"****Sakura sees some girl forcing herself onto Sasuke but thinks that Sasuke****'****s really cheating on her/whatever****"**** thing happens. A lot.**

"…" was Sakura's so-not-obvious response to the list. Sasuke snatched it from her fingertips and read it over himself, then gave the EXACT SAME RESPONSE! LIKE OMG, LOL!

"…I see that you all have a lot of spare time…" he said after a shocked pause.

"HEEEEEY!" Naruto screeched suddenly, his chopsticks flying as he sat straight up. "I just remembered something else we can put there! If Neji's in the fanfiction, he's usually popular as well!"

"…" Neji refused to comment about Naruto's non-ramen comment. He merely turned his head and crossed his arms.

"It's okay, Neji," Tenten said, patting him on the shoulder. "At least you have a good role!" Neji raised his eyebrow at his teammate.

"Um…okay…" Ino said hesitantly, taking the list from Sasuke and writing it down.

**The Cool Ultimately Great Long List of SasuSaku Similarities in All High School SasuSaku Fanfictions Which Has a Really Long Title Because It****'****s Just Cool Like That:**

**1) Sasuke is always, always, always rich and famous. Always.**

**2) Sakura is either a nerd, unpopular, new, a loner, or all.**

**3) Sasuke always has a huge fan club. Huge. Huge. Yes, huge.**

**4) The fan clubs always contain slutty, biatchy girls. The leaders are especially evil.**

**5) There is always one really slutty, biatchy, evil antagonist: a girl who tries to steal Sasuke from Sakura, and/or antagonizes Sakura in some way. How evil, get a life!**

**6) Sasuke usually starts out hating Sakura.**

**7) Ino is always present, either as Sakura****'****s best friend, worst enemy, or worst-enemy-turned-best-friend.**

**8) NaruHina is always present. Always. Always. Forever and more.**

**9) SasuSaku fanfictions always end happily. They are never rated as angst, or end with one of the two/both dying.**

**10) The typical ****"****Sakura sees some girl forcing herself onto Sasuke but thinks that Sasuke****'****s really cheating on her/whatever****"**** thing happens. A lot.**

**11) If Neji's present in the fanfiction, he's usually popular and handsome, nearly at Sasuke's level. Nearly.**

Neji secretly thought that he was so much more handsome than Sasuke, even if he did have long hair. Screw that - his long hair MADE him sexy!

"Yeah, your hair IS much better than Sasuke's," Tenten agreed, and Neji nodded along with her, before registering the fact that she had read his mind. He glared at the girl, who just smiled innocently.

"I think Neji looks like a girl," Kiba said. Hinata's eyes widened and she stared at Kiba in shock for making that comment. The female cowered slightly when she felt an extremely evil presence come near her and Kiba.

"Now now Kiba, that was completely mean!" Lee declared, standing up as well. "Neji, there is no need to be angry! As long as you know that Kiba is wrong, all will be well!"

"Hmph," was all Neji said as he sat back down again, his hair swishing behind him. He gave Kiba the evil eye. Akamaru whimpered.

"So, um, why did you guys read all these?" Sakura asked after a pause, her face reddening again.

"I wanted to see if I was in the story!" Naruto said happily, slurping some more ramen. "Why can't there be stories about me and Sakura-chan, though? Always with teme…"

"That's because I'm a hawt sexi machine that all the gurlz just luv to c," Sasuke said, flipping his hair in a girly fashion and ripping off his shirt to reveal JUST HOW HOT HE WAS! OVER 9000 DEGREES! AHHHHHHH!

That's what YOUR MOM wished had happened! Haha, it's a your mom joke. Haha…ha…

"Hey, I wonder what this button does," Sakura said randomly, clicking on a huge red tab that said "DO NOT CLICK ME NOOBZ1111oneone" in the start menu of the computer.

"Sakura, it says not to click it," Sasuke said, looking annoyed, but peered suspiciously at the computer to see if anything had happened.

The birds chirped outside.

"Well, that was totally undramatic," Sakura sighed, placing the laptop on the floor…before…

BOOM! BANG! RICKITEY TANG! All the king's knights and all the king's men could not put the laptop back together again! For it boomed! And banged! And clanged like a man! The laptop exploded in a shower of stars, with all the poor ninjas blasted to mars. Team Rocket is blasting off again!!!!!!!!!!!

There was a puff of smoke, and the sound of chatter filled the room. The twelve ninja (yes, Shino was there the entire time, even though he was not mentioned…he was hiding, you silly children) blinked, looking around and finding themselves in a place that was…well, not Ino's room. Then, they looked down at themselves.

"…hey guys…" Ino said uncertainly. "Are we…in a…?"

"Yes," Shikamaru sighed. "We are in a modern-day high school from one of the fanfictions. How troublesome."

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I'm having serious writer's block about this story. I have no idea where the plot's going to go. Maybe it'll just be filled with random stuff.


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